I’ve been completely conscious of the fact that it’s currently April. Yet a separate consciousness of me which keeps track of important family milestones was preparing for Mother’s Day this weekend. The mistake only dawned on me when I decided to check for the exact date, wondering why there hasn’t been enough fanfare for it on social media.
I’ve honestly been so busy lately that I’ve been thinking of you less. It’s not an excuse but simply a fact of life that I’m living through. There is a glut of things I have to figure out in moving forward in my life, and it leaves less time for my mind to wander. But you broke into my consciousness the night after my job interview. At that time, I hadn’t known that I would get that job. I had a vivid dream of the two of us, walking along a road I used to drive for you. Whenever you wanted to buy something for the house, when you had to go to your office, when you needed to go to the hospital. I was struggling to carry you behind my back. Not because you were too heavy, but because in my dream you were paralyzed from the waist down. I was scared I would drop you and cause you harm. It was the same fear I had watching you at the hospital bed one Christmas day, fully aware that you were dying. Yet while in the hospital your face wore a permanent grimace from all the inflicted pain to ironically keep you alive, in my dream you were smiling and even cracking a joke about how you could still flail your arms. Desperate to let you know, I kept telling you that I love you. In that hospital bed, I don’t even know if you remembered me anymore. But in my dream, you told me you knew. “I know”, with a smile. And that was the point I woke up.
You may not be on my mind the whole day. But you’ll always occupy my heart, whatever that construct is.
I fished out this photo from Facebook but I was hoping I could get the higher resolution copy. I opened my old hard drive and was disappointed to see that the one I brought here only goes back to 2012. This was in 2011, and that older hard drive was something I had left behind.