The pain rendered me immobile. It was irreconcilable with every reason I came up with before I reached this decision. I find myself in this state again – of having to flush out tears several times a day just to feel
marginally better nothing. I hate myself for letting my heart take me through this. “You useless little piece of shit”, I almost want to say. But it stares back at me helpless and now lacking of any spirit, with pleading eyes that say “I did what I felt was right”. As always. Yet the the realization that I may have lacked the wisdom I thought I had in the first place leaves me in a bind – I end up pointing to nothing and no one. I have no energy to figure out what to blame.
It hurts profoundly. It hurts in places I thought I had built enough immunity. My own strength and resolve threatens to destroy me. Here I was again – broken on a pavement of dreams. Waiting for but myself to put it back together again. But I loved and that’s all I want to matter.