Vergelle sent me a song today, supposedly for someone you used to love. I’d usually, admittedly, have someone in mind when I listen to sad love songs. My placeholders can either be brought about by nostalgia, recent experiences or lingering feelings. I always wonder if it’s a coping mechanism or some form of masochism. But my running playlist is in fact a perfect reflection of my emotional transitions. As I listened to the song she sent, I had the sudden realization that I in fact thought of no one. I felt nothing, not empty. And right at that moment of discovering that I had again reached this elusive state of neutrality, I honestly felt pleased. It does check out, my playlist has been mostly wordless as of late. As I look back to how I dealt with this last one, I also realized that I didn’t use writing to deal with my emotions. I have a lot of unfinished drafts that I could have published, but for some reason they never reached completion. Definitely a first, because writing has always been what I use to process difficult feelings. Ironically, it was what he told me to do that I used to cope.
When in this state, there’s only two possibilities. It’s either to stay, or go for a new ride. Let’s see how it goes. But for now, I’m celebrating this full recovery.
(Although it does disturb me that I seem to be getting good at this.)